The Beauty of Not Knowing
I’m taking Spanish lessons! It’s fun to be in a tiny class of 5 people, seated around a rectangular table staring at a teacher half my age who is adorably describing the difference between verb forms.
We each came to Mexico City for different reasons yet we all have one objective: not to be the cabrón at the market who can’t haggle in the local language.
Last night we played Scrabble and Pictionary, ate additive-laden, vitamin-vacant, chemically-enhanced Mexican snacks that contribute greatly to the country’s rampant diabetes & obesity problems, sipped Oaxacan mezcal and resorted to present-tense Spanish because it’s easier than implementing the various past tenses we’ve been studying for 3 weeks now.
A question was posed by one student to another. A totally normal, anticipated pregunta.
“So Janet, why did you come to Mexico - for a job or for love?”
Everybody laughed but me, as I was rapidly spiraling into a state of utter confusion. The tone of this inquiry made it seem as if those two choices were the only viable motives for being here. Um, tacos, anyone?
As my eardrums bled resentment and my ego prayed profusely to the universe that he wouldn’t pose such a blasphemous question to ME, Janet softly responded. “For both.”
UGH.
It felt like an asteroid dropped center on my chest and I suddenly felt very, very alone.
My rationale for coming to Mexico is ambiguous to everyone, including myself.
When possible, I avoid the topic altogether. When not possible, I nervously rattle off a very uninteresting story of my history with Mexico City, starting with my first visit in 2015. Nooooo oooonnnneee cccaaaarrreeesss.
Boring a hole into the Scrabble board before me, I wished for just a moment that my own decision could fit into an appropriately labeled box of justifiable motivations for relocation. To say “Oh yes, my fiance is Mexican” or “Well I work for Modelo” would be SO MUCH EASIER.
So I spent a solid chunk of today pondering this question and my unsatisfying answer.
When I want to ponder, I walk.
I was halfway to the market to buy a blanket for my bed (that has turned out to be way too small but I already paid cash for it and I know Cecila, the bubbly 60ish round-bodied shop-owner donning a multicolored moo moo, old-school curlers in her hair and overly pronounced jet-black eye makeup in the style of Niki Minaj, is NOT going to accept returns) I had a memory download.
An excerpt from this 2018 interview with Erykah Badu in Vulture Magazine:
Vulture: What’s something you’re still learning to do?
Erykah: You can build a whole fucking world on the shit I don’t know. I used to want to appear like I knew everything, and now my favorite answer to give is “I don’t know.” I just love to say, “I don’t know.” It makes life a whole lot easier.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Why did you move to Mexico?
I don’t know.
And I don’t know what I’m going to do, I don’t know how long I’ll stay, I don’t know what my plans are. In fact, that’s precisely why I’m here, because I don’t know, and I want to enjoy the journey of figuring it out.
You don’t have to have an answer to everything. Sometimes you just don’t f*cking know. That, my dears, is precisely the moment the adventure begins.
With love,
Bethany
