Is there a worse phrase in English than “Find a Partner”? I think not.
“And now, I’d like everybody to find a partner!”
Few phrases in the English language cause me such physical anguish as “Find a partner”. Even typing it makes my fingertips go slightly numb.
I can’t stand partner work. Maybe it’s because I grew up an only child and wasn’t subjected to this horror outside of soccer practice (I detested it there, too). Now that I’m an adult, the ridiculous act of turning to the person to your left and analyzing whether or not they’ve already been claimed by the person to their left feels so childish and unnecessary.
But, here we are.
It’s a Wednesday evening and I’m in a bookstore. Astonishingly, I dragged myself out of my cozy apartment after 6:00pm to attend a talk on Mindfulness. It is being held in fancy-schmancy Coral Gables, a wealthy “suburb” in southern Miami full of lush ferns and colorful, tropical flowers.
To get here, I rode Pearl (see above), my fabulous ride or die pearly-white Honda Metropolitan 50CC scooter with a cheetah-print seat cover (who would be much more pearly white if I ever washed her EVER IN THE 8 YEARS I’VE OWNED HER) past gorgeous Spanish-style mansions and under the draping limbs of gigantic banyan trees. It’s a magical ride and I love Coral Gables.
Allow me a moment to offer a quick lay of the land. While strolling the streets of Coral Gables, one might catch a whiff of academia, or perhaps pick up on a finance or medical vibe. University of Miami, Del Monte Fresh, MasTec and Baptist Health South Florida all reside here.
The inhabitants are generally well-educated and financially stable. According to the US Census Bureau of 2021, 68.8% of residents over the age of 25 have a Bachelor’s Degree or above. The median income is $103,999 and median owner-occupied housing value is $856,600. This is important because the same percentages for Miami Dade County as a whole are as follows: 30.7% have a Bachelor’s Degree or above, the median income is $53,975 and median housing value is $310,700.
I am therefore not surprised by the crowd. A relatively wealthy mix of Latin grandmothers, hospital professionals and university students. Most came with friends or a spouse. The lector is a long-time professor and mindfulness practitioner, who is here to explain the concept of being present and offer a few book recommendations. While I feel I have a pretty good grasp of the topic, I do have a workshop coming up (Five Ways to Wildly Shift your Yoga Practice at Soho Beach House on August 3rd!) and figured any nugget of wisdom collected would be helpful.
I am surprised by the crowd’s sheer lack of experience in anything mindfulness-related. Too many are staring up at the speaker, mouths gaping open like middle schoolers finding out that unicorns are, indeed and actually, real. (They are, right?) I could see the ideas slowly unraveling in their brains, swirling about their craniums aimlessly with no logic to latch on to. It just didn’t make sense to them. How could they possibly give up 10 minutes of their day to being present when those 10 minutes would be better spent worrying about something completely out of their control? Isn’t it selfish to take any amount of time to yourself?
On one hand, I feel worried. Their reactions are concerning. How many people out there on this big beautiful planet have never even attempted some form of meditation? Some level of quietude? No wonder everyone is so angry and divided and violent these days!
On the other hand, they’re interested. They want to know more. Good sign.
While the speaker talks about being aware by paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally, I am rudely snapped out of my very non-present and uber-judgmental crowd analysis with a lyrical stab in the stomach. “Find a partner”.
I can literally feel my superficial atoms burst into flames. It’s like a wildfire is spreading at top speed through the tiny hairs on my skin. My entire body ignites. This type of shit makes me so distressed. The energy in the room shifts and I’m grateful knowing I’m not the only one filled with dread.
It crosses my mind to walk out. But the journey would be awkward, as my seat is slam-dunk in the back-center of the room and I would have to fumble through the abuelas and doctors to reach the door while everyone stares at me (because obviously everyone is going to be staring at me, judging, since they have nothing better to do at this talk than evaluate my whereabouts, the girl in the back whom they’ve never seen nor met nor cared about).
The thought of this daunting task keeps me frozen. Frozen despite the wildfire on my skin. I stay.
The lady next to me, Carmen, invites me to be her partner. Thankful that the most uncomfortable part is out of the way, or at least what I THINK is the most uncomfortable part but I bet you can guess IT IS NOT, I accept her lovely invitation.
We are told that each person will have 90 seconds to answer a question that is posed by the lector herself. In those 90 seconds, the person who is not answering the question must remain quiet and (here’s the kicker) not spend the 90 seconds thinking about anything other than the words coming out of their partner's mouth. That means, we cannot craft our own response while our partner is talking, we cannot respond to the partner with relatable stories, we can’t ask questions, can’t think about our to-do list. We cannot use words or noises of any kind. All we can do is listen intently and nod.
Now the lector poses the big question: What brings you joy?
UGHHHH. I feel myself shrivel like a dead leaf. Of all the questions, she has to go with a fluffy, feel-good Oprah Super Soul Sundays-esque question and I can’t, I just can’t.
Luckily, Carmen starts. I quickly decide that since I’m here, I’m going to follow the instructions and drop myself into Carmen’s words without thinking about a thing. As Carmen talks about the joy that music brings to her, I start to stray. Multiple intrusions bubble up - Yes! I like that song too! Yes! I find myself going to sleep well past my bedtime too, only my latest addiction is Netflix! Oh gross, I find the Beatles are so overrated! Have you noticed the book behind you? It’s about the history of music! Oh wow, you produce podcasts? Which ones?
All these beautiful thoughts and responses. Only I couldn’t say ANY of them. I had to push them aside.
And then I had a breakthrough!! This short little exercise made SENSE! Holy cow, I probably only listen to about 50% (and that’s being generous) of what people say to me! I spend a massive amount of time crafting my own replies that interject me back into the conversation. Why does anyone even talk to me? Why do I even talk to anyone? Are they even listening?
No. The answer is no. We are all lost in our own heads.
The practice, as excruciating as it was, stuck with me. I always thought I was a good listener. Now I know that I could be a MUCH BETTER listener if I just (internally) shut up. It’s really hard. More difficult than I ever imagined. But the quality of my conversations has increased exponentially in just a few days of this practice and to be honest, it makes interacting with others way more fun and a lot less stressful.
ACTION ITEM: I invite you to test it and you can choose your own partner. Honestly, they don’t even have to know they’re involved in this practice at all. Set a timer for 90 seconds and let them speak with no interruption. When you catch yourself drifting or formulating responses to their musings, actively come back to the conversation and remind yourself that you don’t have to say anything, all you have to do is listen. It’s so insightful and interesting and I’d love to hear about it! Write to me and tell me what you learned. Just reply to this email.
If you need a partner, call me and I will listen. I need the practice :)
With love,
Bethany
